Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
