Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
