Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
