im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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