if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
