Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
