Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
