she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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