fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
