the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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