I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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