no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
