if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
