remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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