They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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