happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
