I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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