I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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