i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
