I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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