I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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