he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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