girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
