I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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