wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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