You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
