Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
