You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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