I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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