It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
