All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
