i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
