Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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