if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
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Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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