This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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