oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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