I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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