Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
