This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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