woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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