i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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