u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
