That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
