my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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