I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
