do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
