I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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