he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
