You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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