There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize