just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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