I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
