Pappa wants mamma naked
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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