I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
