Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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