We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
