Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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