I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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