just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm getting married
To pizza
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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